Motherhood is Weird

I have this tiny human I am responsible for, but I’m still me.

I thought being a mom would make me feel old, or at least like an adult. It doesn’t. I’m still my ever direction changing self. I still want to live on the road, but instead of living in a van, I want a tiny house on a trailer. I still have all these dreams and aspirations. I still love being muddy and being outside. I still think about myself. Is that bad to admit? Nah….

I am so in love with my little baby. It’s almost disgusting. Her laugh is the sweetest song I’ve ever heard. Her smile is the brightest thing I’ve ever seen. She is perfection. I look at her, and God is like “Hey Morgan if you ever had any doubt whatsoever about Me just look at this baby I tailored for you”. And I’m like ok God, thank You. You are undeniably good and graceful because I have done nothing to deserve this child. Yet, here she is staring at me with her daddy’s eyes and squealing two octaves too high just like her mother.

I love being a mom like nothing else. When I was pregnant I was so scared that I would hate it. I worried that I was too selfish to be a mom. I didn’t want to be a mom who’s title was mom. You know? I wanted to be Morgan. I wanted a career and a purpose outside of procreating. I wasn’t meant to be a wife/stay-at-home-mom-lazy-not-working-goal-less -woman. (I was very closed minded, please do not allow my old self to offend you). I was supposed to travel the world, and listen to myself on the radio. Except I didn’t want to do that anymore…. and I wanted with every fiber of my body to be a mom – To hold a tiny extension of my husband and myself in my arms.

I have her now. I get to be her mama. I get to hold her tiny hand and stare in her two bright galaxies located where her eyes should be. One day, she’ll be making her own galaxy, and she won’t sleep under my roof anymore. I’ll have sang her all my songs and taught her all I know. If I get to do that, if I’m allowed to have her in my care for any allotted amount of time; if she is my only audience….that will be enough.

God gives us gifts to give freely. Some He gives us to use for profit. Some gifts He gives us to bless others. Maybe He gives us gifts sometimes so we can just entertain ourselves. But ! All the time He gives us gifts to bring Him glory. Who are we to manipulate His why. We are more than talents. We are more than aspirations and money making machines. Do you see your child like that? Seriously ? We are His children. We are His babies, His tiny humans that He hand crafted. And if He feels even a pinch of how I feel about Raleigh Lauren Dortch than surely I am enough in my most simple state. Stripped of “successes” stripped of money stripped is fame and achievement failure and pride. My smile is enough for Him. My laugh is the sweetest song, and I have news for you…

You are His child too.

So let it all go. Your expectations, your goals, the pressure. He loves you in your most vulnerable and simplest state. Be that. Be His baby, because you already are. And the God of the entire universe, Him, He is disgustingly in love with you.